don't read this fic. it sucks. trust me.
by tohma is grumpy
Summary: shuichi wants a puppy. ryuichi is a magikal faerie. yuki wears leather and uses a whip. tohma can't cook. then shuichi gets pregnant. sigh. and it's not even AU. this fic rocks!!1!!!!


**don't read this fic. it sucks. trust me.**   
**chapter 1**   
--   
rating: PG-13   
pairings: shuichi + yuki, ryuichi + tatsuha.   
warnings: ryuichi being so stupid he's OOC. no, i do NOT think sakuma-san or ANYONE in gravi is REALLY this clue less. it's humor, duh. male pregnancy. stupidity. mockery of the many bad, bad male pregnancy gundam wing fics. that's actually the inspiration. bad g-boy pregnant fics. yep. besides, if you know me - you saw this coming. if you don't know me, well, now you know.   
archiving: if you want to, contact me first...   
-- 

Shuichi 

Was sad. 

Yes, he was sad, because he was always sad, and he could never figure out why. Maybe it was because Yuki was such a meanypants to him. Except when he took off the meanypants. Then he was just a meany. Normally. Sometimes. 

Shuichi paced around the house. Yuki was out somewhere doing something. Maybe he was at the International Society for Meanypants meeting. The ISM. Wasn't that a type of computer? Those lousy copy cats. 

He wanted revenge on Yuki because Yuki was not only a meanypants, he never bought Shuichi a puppy and Shuichi really wanted a puppy. A fuzzy snuggly little puppy to come home to since Yuki was NOT fuzzy or snuggly. Maybe he was a little fuzzy. 

EW!!!!! 

I don't want to think about that!! 

Anyway, Kumagoro told me that Shuichi was sad, and I was really shocked. He just never seemed sad around me. Maybe it was because I was Ryuichi, the happy super cool awesome singer who Shuichi adored and loved ever since he was a baby Shuichi. No, that doesn't make me old. It makes him a baby. 

So I went to Shuichi's house. It was technically Yuki's but... 

you know how those things go. 

I knocked a few times, brushing back my bangs and cradling Kumagoro under my arm. Shuichi answered, and he was SNIFFLING?! 

"Shu-chan?!" I cried, throwing my arms around him. "Were you crying, Shu-chan? Oooooh..." 

Sniffling into my chest, Shuichi managed a pathetic nod and more sniffling. I petted his hair and led him inside. It was awkward because he was still buried in my shirt and had to walk backwards. You know how these things go, though. 

We settled down on the couch and he sniffled to me more about how Yuki was being a meanypants as always. I didn't even have to listen very hard before I knew what was wrong. 

"Yuki is jealous." 

"What?" 

"Yuki is jealous because you write and sing great music that everyone loves and all the cute girls love you. He writes stinky stuff about teenage girls falling in love with killers and following them all over. And other romantic crap. It makes NO sense! And the only girls who love him are ugly old housewives - with hairy moles!" 

"Ewwww," Shuichi mumbled. 

"Ew is right! I know how you can fix him." I stuffed Kumagoro onto the couch and took Shuichi's shoulders in my hands. He looked at me, his big innocent eyes shining with curiosity. 

"How?" 

"SILENT TREATMENT!" I yelped. "That'll fix him GOOD!" 

"YAH!" Shuichi jumped up. "I can stay quiet forever!" 

-- 

[later that night] 

Eiri stepped inside, setting down some groceries and pulling his lighter from his pocket. 

"Shuichi?" 

The singer scrambled out of bed and into the living room. He stood there, looking very sad in his Rumpled Shirt, barefoot in his Silly Shorts, and scowling like the little princess who never got her pony. He crossed his arms and pouted. 

Eiri blinked. 

"Giving me the silent treatment?" 

Shuichi growled deep in his throat. Eiri smiled, pocketed the lighter, and sidled up next to his lover. Withdrawing a single finger, he jabbed it -hard- into Shuichi's soft belly. 

Shuichi let out a squeal, followed by a gasp of air and an even louder shriek as his beloved Yuki continued poking him. 

"YUKI!" 

Poke poke pokepokepoke poke poke Poke poke. 

"YUKI STOP - YUKI!! YUKI!! I HATE YOU!! YUKI!!" 

Shuichi continued squealing and screaming, and Eiri could only smile as he eventually stopped. Really, seeing Shuichi panting and sweaty and angry was very nice. 

Very nice. 

His meanypants rather tight, Eiri dragged the already tired out Shuichi into the bedroom. 

-- 

Shuichi whimpered. His little Shuichi Jr. was very tired out and so was his ass. 

"Silent treatment didn't work," he mumbled. But I think he almost smiled. 

Kumagoro was cradled in my arms [he had a cold]. I pondered the situation. 

"Starving treatment!" 

-- 

Eiri stared at Shuichi across the kitchen table. There had been a fantastic feast. It was down the the strawberry pocky desert. 

Shuichi broke down sobbing. 

-- 

"Okay, okay," I tried to force the thermometer into Kumagoro's mouth, "the no-sex treatment." 

-- 

Eiri came home that night with a new leather outfit, a whip, and cotton candy scented lubricant. 

-- 

"Chain-yourself-to-the-couch treatment!" 

Eiri used metal cutters. 

"The I-decided-to-become-a-priest treatment!" 

Eiri didn't believe in religion. 

"The Tohma treatment!" 

He cooked a lovely pasta dinner and gave Eiri a pedicure. 

"UGH!" I cried. It was a week later. "I give UP Shuichi! This guy just won't crack!" 

Shuichi meekly finished eating the leftover's from Tohma's cooking as he answered. "Uh...what was the point of this again, Sakuma-san?" 

I paused in mid rant. "Uhhhh...I don't know. Something about revenge?" 

"How does telling Yuki I joined the covenant get revenge?" 

"Well..." 

"Or inviting Tohma over for dinner for that matter?!" 

"Who DOES enjoy eating with Seguchi-san?!" I shuddered to think of the last Nittle Grasper BBQ he'd thrown. Chicken all over the lawn- 

"Sakuma-san," Shuichi interrupted my memories. "I remember. We we trying to make Yuki sad so he would love me more and give me a puppy." 

"I'VE GOT IT!" I screeched, jumping up. Kumagoro went flying from my lap, right into Shuichi's Tohma dinner. Ewwww. 

"What, WHAT?!" Yelping, Shuichi pushed the bunny off and glared at me. I think his face was as dark pinkish red as his hair. I guess I ruined his meal. NASTY Tohma cooking. Don't EVER eat his cooking. 

"The PREGNANT Treatment!" I did a little jig. "Just get pregnant and blame it ALL on Yuki! THEN he'll feel SO bad because you'll be really sick from it and HE'LL BUY YOU A PUPPY!!!" 

There was a big awkward silence here. Like in the movies. Damn, I hate those big pauses. It wasn't like anything I said was that odd. 

"Sakuma-san, I can't GET pregnant. I *THINK* I am a guy," Shuichi whimpered. Wow. It's both sad and humbling to hear someone who's that uncertain when telling you his gender. Ah, well. It looked like if the truth should come out, it should come out right now. Poor Shuichi would be shocked. 

I stared down at him sadly. "Shuichi, the truth about that is..." 

His big wide eyes got even more big and wide. Oh, poor Shindo-kun. 

"What?" he whispered. "What is it?" 

"The truth is..." 

"Yes, yes?" 

I bit my lower lip. 

"The truth is that I'm a magikal wish faerie." 

"REALLY?!" Shuichi stood up, throwing his arms out and dancing. I grinned, nodding. 

"Yea." 

Shuichi bounced up and down. "I KNEW IT! I told them so, but nobody thought it was true - AND IT IS!" 

"YAY!" I yelled, my head spinning. So I took out my magikal wand and hit him on the head. He got knocked out. 

Maybe even knocked /UP/. Get it? 

-- 

He weny home later. 

I really don't know what I did to Shuichi, but it was magikal, indeed, and even though males cannot be pregnant at this point in history - oh Kumagoro, hold me at the thought of males one day carrying babies NORMALLY - ew! Gross! Where would the baby come out?! Ew! Ew! 

Ew!!!!!!!!!! 

All these things in mind I considered Shuichi and his new situation. I know I had granted his wish, and I know he hadn't turned into a woman or anything. Bleh! Shuichi with boobs. Sounds like some kind of wacky doujinshi Crocodile Ave.'d write. 

Naaawww. 

Poor Shuichi. At least Yuki would get his just desserts. And, upon thinking so, I headed to the fridge. 

-- 

"Puppies?" Touma cocked his head. "What's this now, Eiri-san?" 

"Shuichi really wants a puppy," Yuki sighed, casually leaning back in his chair. The two men sat in the NG President's office, making small talk. Touma was rather confused. Eiri came to him for advice on breeds? "He's been trying all these different 'tortures' on me. Silent treatment and the like." He raised an eyebrow at Touma, who really had that clueless, 'o' shaped mouth expression that meant duh, I have no clue my cooking was supposed to be one those tortures, hurrrr duh. 

"I supposed he invited me over the other night to make up for torturing you, Eiri-san." 

"Yeah," Eiri mumbled. "Yeah. Anyway…" 

"May I recommend the pug? Small, easy to take care of, and well rounded in the talent area. Do you know that I once saw a pug who could balance a ball on the tip of it's nose?" 

"No, I didn't, Touma, I don't care about that, I mean, I don't know if a puppy is such a good idea." 

Touma blinked, and he puzzled and puzzled. Eiri sure was acting funny. 

"I don't know. I want him to be happy, but you know about me and the whole-" 

"Yeah." 

"So that's my problem. I don't know how well we'd handle a little puppy." 

"You should buy it a house," Touma the airhead demanded. Eiri got up and walked away. 

-- 

Shuichi sat curled up on the couch in a blanket, sipping some hot chocolate. He wondered if his wish had come true. If it had, what next? 

Would he really get pregnant? Would he really have a little baby inside his tummy? Was this possible? Was Ryuichi full of shit? If not what was he full of? How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? 

He jerked out of his thoughts as the door slammed open and Eiri walked in. Shuichi felt meek, and tried to hide in the blanket. 

"Shuichi," Eiri stated matter of factly. 

Gulping, the pink haired singer nodded. "H-hai?" 

"Are you torturing me today?" 

"An...ano...iie..." 

"You aren't?" 

"No..." 

"Is this some kind of no-torture treatment?" 

"I don't think so..." 

"Okay." 

"Okay?" 

"Want to go fill two thirds of this fiction with smut?" 

"Yes!" 

And so they did. But this is a children's story. Be glad you have me around to watch out for you little guys. I deleted the entire lemon. It was really amazing, especially the part with the alligators. Aren't you glad your innocence is being preserved? Thank me later. Kumagoro, stop shaking your head at me like that. 

-- 

Noriko just told me to stop calling him Eiri, since I started off calling him Yuki. She says I'm confusing my readers. Sorry. You poor little confused kiddies. 

-- 

So the next morning they woke up at three p.m. 

"Yuki!" Shuichi cried indignantly. "We slept till three p.m.!" 

"G654nyek;gfld," said Yuki. Well, that's what it sounded like. 

"WAKE UP!" Shuichi demanded forcefully, banging his fists on Yuki's chest. "Wake UP! Yu-KI! I'm LAtE FoR WoRK YuKi!!" 

Continuing his beatings, Shuichi only stopped when he noticed the funny thing about his tummy. It really was a funny thing, old sport, really it was. Shuichi gasped and fell out of bed. The sudden absense of his little lover forced Yuki to awake and sit up suddenly. 

"Eh?" 

Shuichi squealed from the floor and ran out of the room - squealing all the way like a little Shuichi piggy. Squeal squeal squeal. He skidded into the bathroom and yanked his shirt up, poking his tummy. 

"WAGH!" he cried. "I'M PREGNANT!"  
  
  
-- 

follow the arrow and click, onegai shimasu.   
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